The WØRD: Stupid Power
If you don’t remember The Colbert Report, you live a dwindled life...
Headnote:
If you’re too young or can’t really recall or never watched Stephen Colbert’s hit Comedy Central cable TV show, The Colbert Report (2005-2014), you’re not going to understand this post. So I’m going to tell you a little bit about it.
On that mock Newscast, Colbert plays the part of a highly opinionated, poorly informed anchorman. Colbert himself describes his character as a “high-status idiot.” In fact, this fictional media personality Colbert portrays is largely a caricature of Bill O’Reilly, at the time, a hugely popular rightwing political pundit (and professional blowhard) on Fox News.
Thus, real-life actor and comedian Stephen Colbert’s fictional character—a rightwing professional blowhard and political talk show host also named Stephen Colbert—is an ingenious persona and device of satire. The targets of this satire are conservative media and politicians in particular and larger cultural issues in general.
Now, as for understanding this post.
One of Colbert’s best-known schticks on The Colbert Report was a recurring segment called The WØRD. In it, Stephen (the character) delivers a blustery rightwing op-ed of some sort while, every once in a while, text at the upper right of the screen offers the audience ironic wisecracks about what’s being said. In this way, Stephen (the actor-comedian) enacts the satiric neat trick of the self-damning narrator. That is, we’re signaled to understand that everything Stephen (the character) is pontificating about is utter nonsense.
Obviously, the best way to understand what’s going on in The WØRD is to watch one. So here’s a link to the very first (and most famous) installment of The WØRD performed on The Colbert Report. In it, Stephen (both the character and the actor-comedian) introduces into the English language the word “truthiness.” You’re welcome.
Colbert’s creations of the pundit persona and the faux-editorial have been so popular as to maintain a lasting cultural impact. On occasion, one or both are revived on the current hit CBS TV show, The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. For example, in the summer before the 2016 election, Stephen (the late-night talk show host) brings back Stephen (the pundit character) in spectacular fashion to deliver a rousing companion piece to “truthiness”—namely, “Trumpiness.” In January 2023, Stephen delivers “See No Evil” as himself—that is, as the late-night talk show host—instead of in the persona of the rightwing pundit.
Now that you’re up to speed on The WØRD, what I offer below is my own version of it—textual rather than video, of course, and in Rant style. Imagine, if you will, then, Stephen (the character) delivering a post-2024 presidential election analysis interspersed with (fingers crossed) WØRD-worthy metacommentary.
And, yes, while I’m guilty of brazenly copycatting Stephen’s (the actor-comedian’s) satiric format, I’m also demonstrating the old saying that “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” (Sure it is.) He’s welcome.
The WØRD: Stupid Power
My fellow Americans.
• Well, a Little Under Half of You
From the fiery forge of the 2024 presidential elections has emerged, for the second time, our Great Leader.
• America’s Own Goal
And this Great Leader has promised to Make America Great Again...Again.
• Backwards and Upwards!
I know that I, for one, am looking forward to my beachfront condo on the Gaza Strip. But I also know that many of you
• A Little Over Half
are asking yourselves, hey, just how the hell is this guy even going to make things mediocre? Many of you are thinking,
• More of an Internal Shriek
hey, this guy has never met a fact that he didn’t ignore. What’s so great about that?
• You Get to Wear Your Hair Any Way You Want
Well, I’m here to tell you what’s so great about that. I’m here to let you in on the great secret of our Great Leader’s great strength.
• Oh...Great
And that secret is: Stupid Power.
• Ditto...the Phrase Works Meta, Too
Let me repeat that: Stupid Power. Now, some may call it The Power of Stupid.
• Opposite to The Power of Love—Huey Lewis Shout-Out!
But that’s too many words for me. That sounds too smart. Too accurate. And where did smart and accurate ever get us, anyway?
• Most Recently, Out of the COVID Shutdown...
No, I’m here to tell you about the pure and simple bullet train of Stupid Power. I’m here to invite you to climb aboard
• The Soulless Train!
for a thrilling ride straight off the rails.
• Meeeeeeeeeeeee!
You see, folks, with Stupid Power, you don’t need no science.
• Does It Feel Hot in Here to You?
You don’t need no education.
• Unless You Can Teach “Leadership” With a Straight Face.
You just need your deeply held beliefs
• Eventually to be Pried From Your Dead, Cold Hands
founded on the down-to-earth, common-sense creed of a gun to love, a Bible to misconstrue, several key demographic groups to hate,
• Let Freedom Sting!
and plenty of salt and sugar in your diet.
• Mmm, That Nice Cushy Lining of Brain-Fat
After all, these principles are what made America Great in the first place.
• White-Supremacist Capitalist Patriarchy—bell hooks Shout-Out!
And these core values, under the renewed guidance of our Great Leader, surely will transport us back, again and again, to that great future.
• Kicking and Screaming in a DeLorean
Now, I acknowledge that Liberals are profoundly disappointed with the election results.
• Back To The Kitchen, Tradwives!
I realize they feel like all the hope and change of the past four years
• Hereafter to be Known Officially as The Interregnum
will be wiped out in our Great Leader’s first one hundred days.
• More Like Twenty Minutes
But you Liberals need to stop your pro-Constitution bellyaching. You need to man-up
• Literally
and get with the Greatness Program.
• Pogrom? Translated: You Pussies Are About to Be Grabbed
Manifestly, this is Destiny. This presidential election is God’s Will. His Great Plan at work. Because, let’s face it, God obviously wants old white men to be rich and powerful. Just look at His selfies.
Yeah, that’s right. That’s strictly man-on-man action there, folks. That’s proof. That’s Providence. (Aside: Oh my, the hands are bigger but that doesn’t seem to help.) Anyway, my point is, Liberals, what have you got to lose?
• Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, Healthcare, Job Security, Retirement Savings, Public Schools, Medical Research, Equality, Privacy, Voting, Respect in the World, Constitutional Republic, Live-In Climate...for Starters
The American people have spoken
• All 538 of Them in the Electoral College
and the outcome is clear. With a landslide margin of victory of 1.5% of the popular vote, the American People overwhelmingly have issued a Mandate to Rule to the Musk-Putin ticket!
(Aside: Oh my, it seems to have shrunk even more.) There can be no doubt that our Great Leader has lead a populist revolution in America propelled by billionaire benefactors, foreign interests, Congressional gridlock, social media disinformation,
• Stupid Power Tip #1: Make Them Stupid...Then Lie to Them
systematic voter suppression, a public that thinks reality TV is reality,
• Believing is Seeing
and a Republican Party and Supreme Court that has had its brain disconnect from its spine. That’s right, folks. Our common-Joe, regular-guy, down-to-earth, anti-elitist Hero and Savior is a New York City trust-fund dandy who goes heavy on the hair dye and make-up.
• The Queen of Kings!
Only in America, folks. Only in America. So, Liberals, put an end to your no more Hope street protests. Democrats, stop thinking that playing by the rules is a political strategy. Honesty, integrity, intelligence, and public service are relics of the American past.
• If Even Then...
Cross over to the Drumpf side, everybody.
Surrender to the delicious certainty of Stupid Power. It’s a belief that you can believe in. A guiding principle that you can get behind. An article of faith that leaves no doubt in your mind.
• Because Your Mind Isn’t Involved in the Transaction
It’s a glorious reaffirmation of the inspiring vision for America as set out by the Founding Fathers.
• Let Caucasian Boys be Caucasian Boys!
And, best of all, it floats all boats and leads to the Greatest Good.
• For the Greatest Few...Obfuscate that Pyramidal Order!
Yes, my fellow Americans, the blessings of Stupid Power are upon us. They have brought our nation to this historic moment of the Trump Double Tap.
• No Comment Required
So what do you say we just shut that whole history thing down right now. We’re there. We’re finished. We’re done. We’ve arrived.
• The Neoliberal Jerusalem!
All we need to do is remember that Stupid is as Stupid doesn’t understand to do. And that’s The WØRD.
Endnote:
A huge tip of Uncle Sam’s top hat to Stephen Colbert, who Made Satire Great Again.
COMING IN TWO WEEKS: all right, next time we’ll go to the movies for real...
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(Painfully) spot on!